Embargo: Klopapier-Boykott gegen Bushie-Staaten

Ein kleiner New Yorker Hersteller von Toilettenartikeln hat beschlossen, keine Ware mehr in US-Staaten zu liefern, in denen die Republikaner bei der Präsidentschaftswahl obsiegten. Gleichzeitig gewährt die Juxmarke ShitBegone Paper allen Käufern aus demokratischen Gegenden einen saftigen Rabatt.

ShitBegone announces economic embargo on Red States, discounts for Blue State customers 36% off Post Election Sale ends Nov. 30

With sadness and resolve, ShitBegone Paper on November 4, 2004 announced an immediate economic embargo against the "Red States." We hope this embargo will be the first of many by other companies and individuals located in the "Blue States." We cannot in good conscience do business with states which have made an informed choice to actively sponsor war and terrorism. Nor can we support the Red States' decision to affirm and expand policies of official bigotry and denial of human rights, up to and including false imprisonment and torture, against ethnic, religious, and cultural minorities in the Red and Blue States and abroad.

Accordingly, ShitBegone will no longer ship our products to customers in the Red States, nor will we accept credit cards billed to addresses in the Red States. Those Red State residents who wish to support the embargo by using ShitBegone, will need to travel to a Blue State to obtain it. We welcome you with open arms, and hope you will make your move permanent, to aid in the further isolation of your misguided Red State neighbors.

As a thank-you gift for our Blue State customers, we are also announcing an immediate price reduction of 36% on full cases of ShitBegone. That means your favorite toilet paper is now less than 42 cents per roll. We love you guys. Don't despair, make your actions local and immediate, keep your goals global and long-term. We can resist - and we will resist. Together, we will get through this!
(Website von ShitBegone Paper)

Und so beschreibt ShitBegone Ihr Toilettenpapier:

How about the toilet paper?

Honestly, ShitBegone is more than just toilet paper. Read more on the blog, the about us page, and the recycling page.

# ShitBegone is toilet paper, not bullshit.

# ShitBegone is smooth, absorbent, long-lasting, and value priced.

# ShitBegone is 100% recycled, because who wants to flush trees down the toilet? Only an asshole would sell people something made of trees when they don't need it.

# ShitBegone toilet paper is non-embossed.

This last one is really important. Instead of being puffed up with air, ShitBegone is wound tightly on the roll. This makes ShitBegone rolls smaller and harder than the 1000-sheet rolls that other companies sell. But ShitBegone is just as soft, just as long-lasting, and cheaper too! Here's why.

ShitBegone rejects the idea, which other companies have advertised for years, that toilet paper is only soft if the roll feels squishy in your hand. The truth is it doesn't matter a bit how soft the roll feels, since it's not the roll you will be wiping with!

Instead, you wipe with just a few sheets. Some people crumple them, but the better way is to fold them. When you crumple toilet paper, just like if you crumpled a piece of writing paper, it gets sharp edges and corners. Paper feels smoothest when it is flat. If you are worried your toilet paper will break or tear, just fold it over a few times to make more layers. I usually tear off 3 or 4 sheets, and fold them over once or twice, depending on the paper. But even if you fold up 6 or 8 sheets at a time, and make a little pad 24 layers thick to wipe yourself with, you will use less paper than most crumplers do.

Hence, if you are wiping properly, what you actually feel is the texture of the individual sheet of paper, which is why you can forget about the squishy roll.

In fact, the paper in those big soft rolls is often even harsher than plain paper, because of the embossing process.*

500-sheet ShitBegone also lasts as long as a 1000-sheet roll, because it is the same amount of paper. 500 sheet, 2 ply is the same as 1000 sheet, 1 ply. Yet ShitBegone costs less than 1000-sheet brands, meaning it is a better deal.

If you doubt this, just weigh the rolls. You may be able to feel they are the same weight in your hands, or you can ask someone at the store to weigh them for you on the digital vegetable scale.

Finally, since ShitBegone is 2-ply 500 sheet instead of 1-ply 1000 sheet, that means it's twice as thick... which means you have to spend less time unrolling and folding up the paper, and it is less likely to break or leak through.